Friday, October 1, 2010

Eyes Wide Shut

Little Miss Sunshine I was for you,
Soul was one even though bodies were two.
Then what did go wrong so drastically,
That I couldn’t bear you anymore around me?

Fighting over the remote while watching the match,
Comforting you while at work you’d a rough patch.
When did that change to us bickering?
Silence in the room yet there was screaming.

People giving us the envious looks,
We never did anything just by the books.
When did I start to differently feel?
Why your nasty side did you reveal?

Our arms were open and so were our hearts,
Yet we slowly did drift apart.
Did we shut our eyes to the troubles we had,
While the world thought it was open and we were glad?
Glad that we were together forever and for life,
Oblivious to our problems and our strife.
The sunshine did obviously not last long,
And slowly it sang sad swan song.


  1. Nice poem. Words chosen carefully, the spirit of oneness with nature inspiring. Good alignment of modern realities with poetic sensibilities. Meter is good.There is coherence and continuity in the concept. Excellent rendition of the theme. Simple, yet captivating. Nice effort.

  2. In each of your poems, you're just trying to rhyme your words, with no attention to the meter. Nor are you sticking to any particular foot. The era of rhyming poems is passé... Although I did enjoy the structuring of it... With the first two lines of every stanza describing the past and then the last two lines talking of a change that nobody likes.

  3. @ satyaswarup - thank you very much for enjoying them =)

    @ qanit - the criticism is appreciated.i don't believe that meter is the fundamental part of poetry.this may not be the era of rhyming but should i change my preference because of that?the structuring happened by glad you liked it =)

    please keep commenting!

  4. Yo,
    welcome to the blog world:)) so u finally relented to Blogger i see. hahha. prepare to get addicted:D
    as regards the poetry, well anyone whose gone through a heart break will connect with it.
    really liked the alliteration in the last line. killer:) and ofcourse this line in the 2nd para
    "Silence in the room yet there was screaming."
    continue updating the blog regularly. it is after all our body of work:P
    take care

  5. thank you =D i intend to update this blog on a regular basis.

  6. If a poem rhymes in a pattern, as yours does, it also makes it an interesting read if the meter also matches in each line. Besides, a meter is decided by the stress patterns in each line, which gives the poem a very easy read... Why is it that ballads are so easily sung? Because of the alternating stress in the syllables.

    Also, in your case, since the structuring is such that it refers to the past and the present, how do you think it should be read? The past should be represented as slowly moving along, encapsulated amongst many memories and emotions; the present... with a certain urgency, as time does fly by. Choose your words such that that happens in your poem. For instance, a spondee (two syllables with emphasised stresses) is a device which can slow things down. For the last two lines, in this case, an iambic meter or a trochaic meter would do justice. This is the way I would imagine your poem, it would appeal to the reader's pathos.

  7. @ qanit - for a third person who has no understanding of the technicalities but can connect to the emotions that the poem is trying to convey,the meter is irrelevant.your 2nd comment,for example,will be absolute gibberish for a layman but for you it is of utmost importance.i am like the layman who rather connect than look for the presence/absence of the supposed fundamentals of poetry writing.

    P.S:have you read the poem 'Poetry' by Marianne Moore by any chance? (in case you have not)

  8. @tattooblahblah... Fair enough. Even Chaucer had said, "I don't go Roff, ruff and rum"...